My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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