Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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