his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
