yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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