quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
