I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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