I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
