i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
