Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am midnight drunk by noon
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
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Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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