My sheets look like a crime scene.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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