He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
