I want to make a zoo with you.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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