i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
