he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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