i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
