All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
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It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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