he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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