I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
