I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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