I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
should my penis look like a turkey
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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