eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
