On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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