she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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