There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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