I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
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I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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