I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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