Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
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There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
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I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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