Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.