I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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