I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
