Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
