Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
