my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm really busy with my period
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