did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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