I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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