I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i will never coherently bang her
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
