Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
