So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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