The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
