We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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