can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
