Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Even the bartender felt bad for me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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