Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
