why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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