i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
