well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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