Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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