Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
