His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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