seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
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I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
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I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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