Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
