I wish my penis had an off switch
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
