I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You pole danced in your parka.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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