He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
