I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
