I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
