best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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