Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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