you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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